Year 4 month 12

December 2019

So here we are at the end of another year. For me it has been a particularly hard year. My emotions have gone up and down like a yo-yo. A lot has happened this year. There have been so many health issues that my family have had to face that have been very difficult at times – not to mention my own issues when I found out that I had breast cancer.

There have also been some very good times too like the fact my book of year 1 got printed.

If I look back on the year I have been thinking what have I actually learnt? To me it feels like I have plodded through it just praying for certain situations to change. It’s only when I look back I realise that I have actually learnt something.

There is a saying ‘healthy body, healthy mind.’ I have learnt this year that actually it’s the opposite that is true. It should say ‘healthy mind, healthy body!’

I have found this year that anytime bad things happened in my life beyond my control (like my breast cancer), it totally messed with my mental health. It felt like I had a black cloud hovering over my head that I couldn’t get away from. It was so all consuming that I couldn’t think of anything else. Healthy eating and looking after myself were the very last things on my mind. I have to say my healthy eating went to pot.

However when things were going good, healthy eating and looking after myself was very high up on my list of priorities.

I have found that when you are happy what comes out is healthy thoughts.

But the opposite is also true – if I am not in a good place then unhealthy thoughts come out.

So I have decided that this year my New Year’s Resolution is to stay happy, to keep my mind healthy and allow good things to grow from that. Not sure how easy that will be though.

Year 4 month 3

March 2019

There is a very well know story in the bible. It’s about Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were the very first human beings God created. They lived in the garden of Eden And they could do anything other than eat the fruit from one tree.

A snake came and tempted Eve and she eventually ate an apple from the tree. She then went on to tempt Adam.

Their consequence was banishment from the garden.

At the beginning of this month our church was doing a fast and I have to say I did really well. I did get tempted from time to time but I didn’t succumb.

Since the fast is over the temptations have been coming think and fast and I have to say I have not been able to resist.

One thing I have learnt in life is when you do things you shouldn’t there is always a consequence. My consequence in this case is that I’m putting on weight again.

My struggle with weight loss has been particularly hard over the last few years. I try but I can’t seem to lose any weight. When I have been trying for so long and nothing happens it is so demoralising and your willpower just goes.

Tomorrow is the start of a new month and I have decided to try again and hopefully I will regain my willpower.

Year 4 month 1

January 2019

This month has been quite a challenging month. Over Christmas and New Year I just couldn’t stop wanting to eat. All the chocolates and Christmas treats were out and I have to say I couldn’t resist.

When January came I wanted to start being good again. That was easier said than done. The first 2 weeks I still couldn’t stop eating. If I saw it I ate it – chocolate, biscuits, cakes. You name it, I probably ate it.

I was starting to get a little concerned that I was getting into bad habits again and I probably was if I think about it.

Dieting for me now is not the same as it was in 2016 because back then I was desperate. I wasn’t very active, I had so many emotional issues, I didn’t really have the energy to do anything. Basically I lived on my sofa.

To try and lose weight now without the desperation, without the emotional issues and having come so far already is so much harder.

The last two weeks of January have been so much better. I have stepped up the exercise and I have started to control my eating again. It’s not perfect yet but I am getting there.

From my experience I knew that it would be 4 days of hardship before things start to get easier again. So I lived on that philosophy and really cut down for the first 4 days until all the sugar was out of my system. After that chocolate, biscuits and cake were not a problem because I’m not craving them anymore.

This healthier eating has already helped me lose the weight I put on at Christmas. Hopefully I can keep going!

Year 3 week 40

1st – 7th October 2018

When I first started this journey in January 2016 I lost so much weight. My eating habits changed dramatically. I just became a much healthier person.

Since the first year I have not lost any weight at all. In fact it has been going up and down the same 6lbs for a while now. It has taken a while but I think I am starting to figure out why it’s so much harder now.

When I first started, my eating habits changed so dramatically that it was impossible for me not to lose weight. Now though, when I try harder there isn’t too much of a change.

I have also had stomach problems for years mainly due to my bad eating habits in the past. I have learnt to live with it over the years so I hardly noticed I had a problem.

Since losing the weight it has been brought to my attention again. Jenny has helped me try and solve this problem. Over the last few months my food intake has changed again and Jenny has changed my diet so I can start to heal all the problems in my gut.

First she told me what foods to eat to heal my lower gut and now I have started another food diary to try and heal my upper gut (it’s called the Sebo).

For the last 2 weeks I have not been allowed to eat any fermented foods. Things like garlic, onions, tomatoes, chilli, pulses and a few other things were cut out too.

It sounds weird because most of these food items are healthy but I have to say it is working. I am actually losing weight again.

This has made me think back to when I caused all this damage in the first place. If I knew then what I know now would I have still eaten that food that was bad for me. If the bad food had ‘hazardous for your health’ written on it, would I have still eaten it?

Back then I had so many bad habits that I’m afraid to say I would have still eaten it and paid the consequences later. Well, now I am definitely paying the consequences!

If I was to ask the same question now I think I would think on it a little and then say ‘no I wouldn’t have it’. But in all honesty, I do know that I can sometimes be weak and if I was having a bad day I can easily succumb to these temptations. So it’s just about trying to be strong each day and have the will power to do the right thing.

The problem is that it appears that food that is bad for you is so much more appealing and accessible than things that are healthy.

I do try my hardest to stay as healthy as possible most of the time but it is really hard to have such willpower 24/7 and I think that’s why sometimes I slip.

I just need to constantly keep reminding myself what it’s doing to my insides and hopefully I can improve.

Year 3 week 39

24th – 30th September 2018

I have been reminded lately of a poem I have known since I was a kid. It’s a very well known poem called ‘Footprints in the sand’. It goes:-

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You’d walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you.”

Sometimes in life I can feel I am doing things alone. When I started this journey I felt I had so much support and I think that was why I did so well. Sometimes though, I can feel that no one understands what you are going through. Sometimes I feel I am struggling alone.

In recent weeks that is exactly how I have felt. Doing things on your own is so much harder than when you have the support of the people around you.

Last week when I confessed my thoughts to Matt and Jenny (my nutritionist) it was such a release. Someone else knowing how I felt helped loads. It also made me realise that I had never been alone – they had been with me every step of the way carrying me but I just didn’t know it.

They weren’t the only ones who are there for me. My friends are there for me too and I also have God’s help. I just need to remember to ask for help and to say I’m struggling.

This week has been such a better week. Jenny has given me a new diet plan and I have to say I have done really well and I have even lost a few pounds.

Trying harder on the diet is never easy and going hungry is the worst but knowing I have so many people on my side carrying me through it makes it all worth while.

Asking for help and support and to admit you are struggling is not a shameful thing. In fact it’s a sign of strength. So if you feel you are struggling alone ask a friend or a family member to help and remember God is always there too.

Year 3 week 28

8th – 15th July 2018

When I was a child I would very often sit in the car with my Mum and Sister. It was ether at Draycote Waters or Weymouth beach. We would sit there for hours while my Dad and Brother would go windsurfing.

When I got a bit older my Dad then taught me. I remember I loved it. Once he even took me away to Sardinia for a week of windsurfing. If I think of my favourite childhood memory of my Dad that holiday would be it. It was a real father-daughter bonding time.

The only bad thing was that we had to share a room and he snores. His bed was over the other side of the room and I could still hear him! Every night I grabbed a pile of socks and placed them by my bed. I would throw them at him every time he kept me awake. I always ran out!

On that holiday my windsurfing really progressed and I have to say that I even got quite good.

That was about 25 years ago. Since then I haven’t got on a board. It hasn’t even been a desire of mine to try it again.

When We recently arrived in Greece I noticed they do refresher windsurfing lessons and I thought I would sign up and see how I would get on. This shocked me more than it did Matt – I don’t know what possessed me to do it.

So this week I have had 2 lessons . I knew my biggest challenge would be getting on the board itself. My upper body strength is basically non existent and worse since I had my op. I have never been able to get on a boat even when it has a ladder.

To my surprise I got on the board several times. I not only got on, I also stood up and on a couple of occasions I was even sailing. I was in the water more than I was on the board though!

I definitely wasn’t as graceful as my drawing either. It should have been a drawing of me falling in rather than sailing with style but that would have been a boring drawing.

However I learnt something with these lessons. It took so much effort to get on the board, standup, get the sail up, make sure you are balanced correctly and then get in the right sailing position. You start to think if all that effort worth it. But then you have that brief moment (for me it really was very brief) when you are doing everything correct and you are actually sailing – that makes all that effort worth it.

Sometimes I look back and remember all the hard work I put in to lose weight and to be more active. These lessons and opportunity to windsurf again have made all that hard work worth it.

Year 3 week 25

18th – 24th June 2018

This week has been very uninteresting really. Nothing amazing has happened, nothing is coming up in the near future I need to prepare for and there is nothing I really need to train for anymore either. In fact after my time away in Kenya I feel this week is a bit of an anticlimax.

I have spent all of this year and part of last year training to do that half marathon in Kenya. It has been what I have focused on for months and now I don’t need to do it anymore. In someways I am a bit sad but it also has its benefits.

One thing I have realised is how much I have neglected my kids in that time. It means I am spending more time with them and concentrating on their needs more which is definitely a bonus. The kids have been great and very understanding and incredible supportive throughout that time.

Another thing I have neglected is my nutrition. With all that exercise came extra eating to give me more energy to complete my challenges. Since increasing the exercise you would think I would lose weight but no, I haven’t lost any at all. In fact I have probably put it on rather than lose it.

So I have decided to use this time to concentrate on what I am eating. Over the last 2 half years I have learnt a lot especially about nutrition. I have learnt the best way to lose weight, what food does to your body, what kind of food I should and shouldn’t be eating and if I don’t remember any of it Jenny, my nutritionist, would soon remind me.

I feel now that I have all the tools I need and they are stacked neatly on the wall not being used. I might look at them from time to time debating whether to use them or not.

I am not in denial – I know if I started to use those tools that it wouldn’t be easy. However this week I have come to the realisation that there is no point having them if they are not going to be used. An unused tool is totally useless and has no benefit to anyone.

So I have decided that from tomorrow I am actually going to start using them. I have decided that for 2 weeks I am going to cut out artificial sugars and basically go back to the beginning again.

I know this is going to be really difficult for me but I feel, as I am confessing it, it will hopefully keep me accountable and in some ways make it easier.

So for once I actually have the right tools and I know how to use them. The challenge now is whether I can use them efficiently.

Year 3 week 10

5th – 11th March 2018

Up until now I have been doing really well with the challenges I have set for myself.

I don’t think they have been easy – they have been quite hard at times.

This month the exercise part of the challenge is going far better than I expected. This month is a really busy month for me so I wasn’t sure how I would find the time but I have managed to grab a bit most days from somewhere.

The eating part of the challenge is not going quite so well. I am not eating bad, but I have to say I am not eating good either it’s just ok and there’s definitely room for improvement.

I just can’t seem to get the motivation I need. It got me thinking “how on earth did I ever do it before?”

It has meant thinking back quite a long way and I remembered that I was desperate and it was that desperation that drove me on and gave me all the motivation I needed.

I still have the desire to lose weight but I don’t have that desperation anymore. I have achieved my main goals even though I haven’t got down to my ideal weight.

To me, having the energy to keep up with the kids and being able to do so much more than I ever could before has taken away my motivation, but I want it back!!!

Matt reminded me that when I started this diet I was very strict with myself – he said I was very military like. I wouldn’t step out of line once and I did exactly what I was told.

He said that he would sometimes say “go on you can eat that it won’t hurt”, however I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even have a small bite.

I felt that Jenny my nutritionist was the expert and I was to do exactly what she said for my own benefit and it worked. It was like she was my Sergeant Major.

I really need to get back to that but I just can’t seem to do it. I need to get desperate again but since I have been seeing Jenny I have learnt a lot and I think that knowledge is hindering my motivation because I now know what to expect.

So I think I will get Jenny to get that Sergeant Major head on again and maybe do something new.

Year 3 week 3

15th – 21sth January 2018

I have been swimming now almost everyday for 3 weeks. It is going really well and I only have just over 400 lengths to go until it’s completed.

This challenge has taught me a few things. I have realised that I can commit myself to doing an hours exercise a day even though some days are really hard and some days I am really busy. I always thought that I could never cope with that much exercise.

One of the reasons I am doing it is because I am doing another half marathon in June and I thought swimming was a good way to strengthen my legs with low impact on my knees. I do feel it is working – I feel like I have more energy and more strength in my legs.

I also feel so much thinner. My clothes are looking so much better on me than at Christmas. Since doing this challenge however I haven’t lost any weight at all!

I have been seeing Jenny, my nutritionist, for 2 years now. I have always done what’s she has told me to. Somethings she has asked me to do have been extremely hard but I do them because she has never lead me wrong once.

One thing she has told me from day one is that you can’t exercise out a bad diet.

It is very easy to do exercises and then think you deserve a treat afterwards and go and eat cake or something just as bad.

Since Christmas I have really struggled to get my diet back on track. All that swimming has made me extra hungry too. I haven’t been horrendously bad but I haven’t exactly been good either.

At first doing all that exercise and not losing any weight was frustrating but what it does do is prove that Jenny has got it right again and I need to physically sort out my diet.

That is always easier said than done.

Year 3 week 1

1st – 7th January 2018

My eating in December was so bad that now we have hit January it’s all systems go.

There is a saying that I hear every new year and that is ‘New Year, New You’ and I always go by it. I make new years resolutions to try to improve certain situations and I have to say that this year is no different.

The year always starts well and as the months roll by those resolutions have gradually slipped. That’s definitely how last year went anyway!

For now though I am going for it. I have decided to give myself a challenge every month.

I have decided that my challenge this month is swimming. I have been using a pool that is 15 meters in length and the challenge is to swim 2018 lengths this month.

I set it on the 1st and thought for me to achieve this goal I will need to swim 100 lengths a day with 2 days off a week.

My challenge has started well and the first few days it was good. But once I got to days 3 and 4 it was taking its toll. Towards the end of the week it was getting easier.

I am not really finding this challenge easy. When I set it I thought it would be a challenge but not a huge push. I am finding it quite a chore though.

I have however managed to make the effort every day this week and I have already knocked 600 lengths off that target.

My eating has improved this month but it’s not perfect with all this extra swimming. I’m finding I am getting extra hungry which isn’t always good when you are trying to cut down.

Maybe I can do better next week.