12th – 18th February 2018
Sometimes I find it hard to remember how I use to be. I feel I have been going down this journey for so long now that I can’t believe how I was.
I do remember though that I let things get to me really easily – it didn’t seem to take much to tip me over the edge and for me to feel like I couldn’t cope. I think it must have been all that excess weight on my brain!!
To have a sudden change in my schedule or finding that I had extra things I had to do would cause me to have a mini meltdown and it usually resulted in Matt sorting me out.
Matt would on occasion have to go away on trips and that was always a particularly bad time emotionally for me and it would usually consist of me collapsing in a heap when he got back.
I have been wondering how I would cope now with all those things. Well this week it has really been put to the test.
Matt has been away this week leaving me with the kids at home. That always means I have to add a lot more to my schedule. I have been prepared for this one so I feel I have coped with it very well.
However this week I have had so many unexpected things fall on my lap, things that have also added to my schedule and giving me so much more to do.
It was also my birthday this week too so I got to go out a lot more.
So this week I don’t know if I am coming or going. I feel I have been pulled this way and then that way. My head is going through a whirlwind of emotions not knowing which way to go next.
If this was a couple of years ago I think I would have had a total meltdown by now.
This time though I have embraced it, got on with the job at hand and actually enjoyed the experience.
I have even managed to stay on schedule with my running/walking this month. I have now reached 31 miles only another 19 to go.
The only negative I am getting out of this is that I am a little more tired than normal but I can totally cope with that.
20th – 26th August 2017
One thing I have learnt on this journey is that losing weight isn’t just about dropping the pounds . It’s also about changing habits, changing your mindset and the way I think. It’s about forgetting the way you have done things in the past and changing it for the better.
For me it has also been a journey of self discovery. I think the first step was knowing I needed to change and the second was doing something about it. Losing all those bad habits and emotional issues I had lived with for years was a bonus.
One thing I find though is that I have to keep re-evaluating. Sometimes I feel that some of those old thoughts and feelings are creeping back in.
The only way I can describe it is like I am playing a game of chess, but I keep getting myself in check. I feel I have to always be one step ahead of the game to even attempt to overcome my opponent.
It can be tiring re-evaluating all the time because one wrong move will end me up in check mate and that means it’s game over.
I am finding 40 odd years of bad habits is hard to get rid of forever. This is why I am constantly re-evaluating my thoughts, my emotions, the way I think.
Some weeks I find I do really well and I can keep it all at bay. But some weeks I have to admit I fail miserably.
I just feel I need to keep myself moving around that board. I feel I am in a never ending game of life and I just need to keep moving keep evaluating to succeed.
Monday 5th December 2016
Christmas is always a very happy time of year in our house. The kids are already getting excited. For me, though, the run up to Christmas can be very stressful.
At Christmas time there’s
always seems so much more to do. First comes buying the gifts that every year seems to get harder knowing what to buy, then comes wrapping.
Usually I would buy all the gifts and then wrap them all on the same day. Today I have started my wrapping which is a lot earlier than I would normally do it.
It doesn’t mean however that I have all my Christmas shopping done.
I like wrapping presents but when you have so many to wrap it can make it one of the worst jobs. I also did some more Christmas shopping today too.
I have only ever been able to do one job at a time because I couldn’t think properly if I did buying and wrapping on the same day. I would get very tired very quickly.
I haven’t realised before how being so overweight can affect your mind. I didn’t realise that it could limit your thoughts and ability to get things done.
Up until now I just thought it limited my movement and my energy levels – I didn’t think it limited my mind to. I know it sounds stupid not being able to do more than one job in a day but that’s the reality of being excessively overweight I suppose.
My mind now seems so much more active than it use to be and I can seem to contain a lot more information which means I can get more jobs done!
It goes to show that that saying “active body active mind” is so true.
Thursday 20th October 2016
I have been getting really frustrated lately because the scales haven’t moved for weeks. I have been aware that it could be related to my thyroids because if your thyroids are not right it can fluctuate your weight. It hasn’t however stopped me being frustrated.
I find when the weight doesn’t move it really tests my motivation. Part of me wants to give up because the hard work isn’t worth it. The other part says keep going because I have done so well so far.
It’s like my conscience is whispering contradictory things in my ears.
One is saying eat the cake it won’t hurt, the other is saying have an apple instead.
Your mind is having a terrible battle when things aren’t going the way you want it to. In the past when I got to this point in a diet I have quit because it gets just far too hard. I have always listened to the wrong voice in my head.
This time though I have a secret weapon – it’s called Jenny. I said to myself that I wasn’t going to let it bother me until after I saw her.
Today I saw Jenny but before I even told her my frustrations she said that it looked like I had lost weight and that it was the biggest transformation she has seen in me for a long time. I have to admit I do feel thinner but I didn’t know I was until she said. I got measured too and I have lost an inch all round.
I also got on the scales and to my surprise I had lost 4lbs in 2 weeks. I was shocked because my scales at home haven’t moved. She also said not to worry about the scales because really that doesn’t matter because you can still improve you shape without even losing weight.
If I had been weighed in anywhere else I wouldn’t have left that happy and probably have ended up quitting.
So today has spurred me on to keep going. I am going to listen to the right voice in my head and carry on.
Start weight 21st 5lbs
15st 13.8lbs. ⬅️➡️. 75.2lbs⬇️total
Start weight 136.5kg
101.6kg. ⬅️➡️. 34.9kg⬇️total
Wednesday 22nd June 2016
I find that when you lose weight it can mess with your mind.
I am finding that I am getting lots of complements at the minute from lots of different people. People are saying that I am doing well, I am looking amazing. I hear it but I don’t actually believe it.
My mind is like a jigsaw and I am gradually putting the pieces back into place
Up until now my mind has been in a muddle.
I find that I am my own worst critic, I know I have been eating healthier, feeling healthier, losing weight, looking better. Even though I know this I don’t believe it.
On one hand I think I have done really well but on the other I haven’t.
Matt keeps saying he is proud of me but I am not proud of myself. Matt says I have done really well – I say that it had to be done. Matt says I am looking so much better – I say I just look ok.
Even though I see proof of a huge improvement. I would rather believe the doubt in my mind than the truth in my eyes.
I will try and work on believing what people say, on the compliments I am getting and in the fact that I am doing well.
Start weight 21st 5lbs
16st 13.4lbs. 0.2lbs⬇️. 61.6lbs⬇️total
Start weight 135.6 kg
107.7kg. 0.1kg⬇️. 29.1kg⬇️total
Sunday 12th June 2016
I have always been told that the mirror doesn’t lie. I however don’t think that is true, I believe the mirror does lie.
I don’t seem to look any different. I know I do look different but it doesn’t seem to translate in the mirror. I think it’s because when I was 4 stone heavier I would look in the mirror but something happened in the translation and my head seemed to convert my appearance into something a lot better.
I would see myself then as being a lot thinner.
I would look in the mirror and think I looked OK (I never, back then, thought I looked good). It was only when I saw a photo of myself that I really saw what I looked like and I was horrified. That is why I never like having my photo taken.
Now when I look in the mirror you can see why I don’t seem to look any different. It’s only when I see a photo of myself that I can see that I have changed.
I also know by my health, energy levels, clothes, the fact I can fit in a seat and a number of other things help me realise that I have improved.
I think you must think that I am totally crazy but I find it amazing how the mind can play tricks on you. I just hope I don’t start converting things the other way now.
Start weight 21st 5lbs
17st 1.4lbs. 0.2lbs⬇️ 59.6lbs⬇️total
Start weight 135.6 kg
108.6kg. 0.1kg⬇️. 28kg⬇️total