Day 274

Friday 30th September 2016

Growing up I have always thought that I had nothing of value to offer. I grew up in a very normal family with a Mum and Dad an older brother and a younger sister. 

My brother and sister were always very confident, they had no real issues at school and they could talk with confidence. I however was shy, I tried at school but didn’t do very well – I think it was because I was dyslexic and in those days they didn’t know what to do with kids like that so school always made me feel like I was thick.

I found as well that I couldn’t really have a good conversation because I would either lose my train of thought or end up stumbling over my words. 

I always felt a little inferior around other people. I thought they had so much to offer and that I didn’t quite hit the mark.  I felt I had nothing to offer of value at all. I felt I had no talents at all. 

About 15 years ago I went on a course called Servant Makers. It was a course where a group of people would meet up a weekend a month. 

On that course I learnt a lot. One thing that I still remember to this day is that if you deny your talents you are denying the gift you have been given, the gift that God has given you. 

I have always been quite creative. I love to draw, sew, paint – I basically love creating things from nothing. I however thought that this wasn’t a talent, it was just something I liked to do and anyone can do it. 

What I learnt though on this course is that everyone can’t do it and I need to learn to treasure it because it is a gift I have. 

Keeping my treasure (talents) hidden is not helping me reach my full potential. 

I wouldn’t say I am an artist – I would say I am someone who loves to draw and to me it’s what I do and it’s special to me. It means something to me and I have found that, since I have stopped denying it and started to value it more, it has allowed me to appreciate my strengths and weaknesses.  Talents aren’t all based around academic things. 

The fact that I draw has really helped me express myself. It has helped me overcome so much, especially this year. 

So don’t keep your talents hidden, don’t deny them because it’s what makes you who you are, and who knows where it will lead. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.5lbs. 0.4lbs⬆️.  75.5lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.4kg.       0.2kg⬆️.     35.1kg⬇️total


Day 273

Thursday 29th September 2016

Yesterday was the last day of my detox. I really didn’t think I would last the whole 10 days, but I did. I am very happy that I did because a detox is never easy. It was however so much easier than last time. 

So because I finished yesterday means that today I can go back to normal. Well, my new normal, not the normal from last year. Which means I am still not eating bread, potatoes, rice or pasta. 

Over the last 10 days I have been looking forward to the day I could start using oil and butter again.  I have also been looking forward to my oats granola cereal and oat cakes. 

This morning I thought I would have my granola for breakfast after the kids had gone to school so I could sit and savour every mouthful. I got it ready and sat on a really comfy seat so I could get the most out of the moment. 

When I took my first bite it didn’t do what I had thought it would. I enjoyed it but I thought I was going to feel immense bliss.

Your mind can really play tricks on you. I had worked this up to be something so much more than it actually was. I have to say I was a little disappointed it was such an anticlimax. 

I had spent 10 days building it up to be something that just ended up blowing back up in my face – like an overinflated balloon. 

I did feel quite deflated afterwards so I thought I would wait for lunch and enjoy that instead but that did the same as breakfast. 

I find a lot of things are like that. We get excited about things that really aren’t important and when it blows up in our face we can be really disappointed. I find very often we put all our hopes on the little things and get offended and upset when it doesn’t go our way.

So I think I am going to try and not get my hopes up anymore on the little things and start valuing the big things more because it is that that counts after all. 

It has also made me realise that I don’t really need these treats everyday anymore and to not rely on them so much. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.1lbs.    0.2lbs⬇️.    75.9lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.2kg.     0.1kg⬇️.    35.3kg⬇️total

Day 272

Wednesday 28th September 2016.

Today I have had another theme emerging. It has happened on a few occasions this year. 

This morning I was dropping the kids off at school and I was listening to the radio. There was a woman talking about the film The Matrix. She said that in the film the main character, Neo, is offered the choice between a red pill and a blue pill. The blue pill would allow him to remain in the unreal world of the Matrix, living the “ignorance of illusion”, while the red pill would lead to his escape from the Matrix and into the real world – “truth of reality”, even though it is a harsher, more difficult life. She then went on to say that if we had a choice would we change our identity ?

Today I have also been looking for a post office. It seems though that they have all gone – I must have gone to 4 different places to find one. I was going because I need a new passport so I was getting the forms and photos. 

I don’t know why but my passport photos are always awful. It has come at a good time because my face has changed a lot with losing weight. A passport is something that proves your identity, it proves that you are who you say you are. 

This year though it is like I have taken the red pill and changed my way of thinking. I feel I have changed my whole identity. I have gone from an unhealthy, overweight, self conscious, reserved, selfabsorbed person to a person who is more open, not so overweight, more healthy, more outgoing, less tired and a person who is willing to listen (though there are still many imperfections I am working on!).

So eventhough a passport shows you who you are it doesn’t show your personality, the person that makes you you. It doesn’t show the person inside. 

I am glad I am not still living like I took the blue pill because for years that is how it has been – ignorant. When you are in it though you don’t realise that you are basically living a lie, living a life that doesn’t fulfill all your potential. 

So if I had a choice I would choose the red pill – even if at times it has been difficult.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.3lbs. ⬅️➡️.  75.7lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.3kg. ⬅️➡️. 35.2kg⬇️total

Day 271

Tuesday  27th September 2016

Today was a very different Tuesday for me. I usually have a few ladies round and we sit and spend the day sewing. They didn’t come today though. I have however had another training session instead.

Jenny told me that she thinks I need to up my exercise and have more than one session a week with my personal trainer. So today we started. 

For a good few years now I have been boxing. I love boxing – there is something really satisfying about punching someone. I don’t go round punching people as a rule but it is really enjoyable when you are told to. Ok, so he is holding pads and I punch them, but it’s still good. 

For about 6 months now I haven’t done any boxing at all as I have been doing some HIIT training instead. Today, as we have added in another one, it gave us the opportunity to get out the boxing gloves, brush off all the cobwebs and use them again.

I didn’t realise how much I missed it. I really enjoyed it too. 

I have been told that I have a really good punch and I put a lot of power behind it. I think it was because I put all my weight behind each punch. Let’s face it, it was a lot of weight. 

I thought I might have lost some of my power and at first I really wasn’t as good as I used to be but it soon came back. Even with the lack of food at the moment.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.3lbs.     0.2lbs⬇️.    75.7lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.3kg.            0.1kg⬇️        35.2kg⬇️total

Day 270

Monday 26th September 2016

I have been on this detox now for 8 days. It has gone really well so far – I can’t believe that I have lost so much weight on it. 

A detox is meant to really clean out your system.  I feel like my body is a bit like a sponge. 

A sponge absorbs all the liquid it comes in contact with and to get rid of it you have to give it a good squeeze. The detox is the squeezing and it’s hard work. 

This detox is different to the first time as it’s cleaning out my system in a deeper way, a lot deeper. 

I find that I am not only cleaning out my system I am also cleaning out my emotions, my character, my general demeanour too.

Yesterday it was said while I was at church that our future starts with a small step but it means that we need to dig in order for it to have the right foundations. We can’t let anyone else do it – we need to do it ourselves. To dig can be really hard work but if we do it gives us the foundations for our future. 

I find this year that is what I have been doing. I have been making lots of small steps that is leading to bigger steps but it hasn’t come without me digging deep. 

Also I feel like a sponge absorbing all the things around me and I find that what comes out after the squeeze is affecting all those around me.

I didn’t plan it but if what I am doing helps others too then it makes my journey totally worthwhile. And that’s a great big bonus!

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.5lbs.     ⬅️➡️.    . 75.5lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.4kg.           ⬅️➡️.     35.1kg⬇️total

Day 269

Sunday 25th September 2016

Today, as it is Sunday,meant that I went to church. I was brought up in a Christian family and I have been going to church all my life. 

When I was younger my dad would always ask after the service “what was said?” I knew it was coming but I always hated the question. Eventhough I had sat through the meeting and heard what was said I could never remember afterwards. I would then get in trouble for not listening. 

About 5 years ago I started drawing what I heard and from that day on I could remember everything. 

Today I have come to the realisation that there is a difference between hearing and listening. 

Most people can hear but you can quickly forget. But if you listen I think it actually goes in and you remember. 

When I started this year all I wanted to do was lose some weight. But it has evolved into something I never really expected. 

You would think a person should know who they are. It turns out that I didn’t but this year I am really finding out. 

When I said that I wanted to lose weight Matt said I should write a diary so I can look back on it. As I am no good at writing I put my own spin on it and decided to draw my diary instead. 

I have found that it has been one of the most worth while things I have ever done. Everyday I find myself reflecting on the day I find myself actually listening to things rather than just hearing. I then share my thoughts with you.  

As I am a Christian I believe that God can speak to you through the things that are around – and all you have to do is listen. Because I am writing my diary everyday it is making me listen, it’s making me open up to what is being said to me that day, it’s making listen to what God is saying that day.

I think the fact that I am listening more to what people have to say, to what my subconscious has to say and to what God has to say and then confessing it is really helping me get over the issues I had. 

Generally people like to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves – it’s not the norm to be open about them. But I find after being open I realise I am not the only one who thinks this way – there are a lot more people out there. 

So we need to stop hearing and start listening. Who knows where it will lead.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.5lbs.   0.5lbs⬇️.     75.5lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.4kg.        0.2kgs⬇️.     35.1kg⬇️total

Day 268

Saturday 24th September 2016

I have been on the detox for 6 days now and it is going ok. However I have been feeling really hungry.

The only things I eat on this detox is protein (eggs, meat, fish, nuts or seeds) only one per meal, vegetables and fruit. It’s a little less than what I normally eat. It turns out to be only about 1000 calories a day. 

January was the last time I ate so little and I was out of action for a long time. I also had no energy for a few weeks after the detox. 

What I am amazed about this time is that my calorie intake is so low but I still have plenty of energy – it’s like someone has pressed the power button and left it on. 

Yesterday I had my training. Training while on a detox is not usually advisable because you don’t have enough energy. Yesterday though I coped really well and he even worked me harder than normal. 

The longer I am on the detox the hungrier I am getting but I am losing a pound a day so a little hunger is worth it. I just hope I can continue for 4 more days. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16stlbs.        1lbs⬇️. 75lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.6kg.      0.5kgs⬇️. 34.9kg⬇️total

Day 267

Friday 23rd September 2016

If you had asked me the question last year “are you addicted to anything?” I probably would have said “nothing” but secretly thought chocolate. 

I have always had a weakness for chocolate – Cadburys especially. If I think about it now I had a weakness for biscuits, cakes and sweets too. 

If I wanted it I ate it without thinking of the consequences, which was bad health and piling on the weight. 

I always thought that addictions were drugs and alcohol related but you can get addicted to lots of things. Even exercise (that’s never gonna happen with me) or  hobbies or, for me, certain food. 

In January when I was last on the detox I had to practically lock away the chocolate, biscuits, cakes and sweets – all things I was addicted too. 

All I knew was that if I saw any of them I would have eaten them. The detox last time really helped me get over that addiction. 

I came into this detox without the addiction to all the food that are bad for you, but over the last few months I have found that I was starting to rely on oats. They were on my food list so I was allowed them but it came to a point that I was having to have some after every meal. 

Today I have been really hungry and all I have wanted to do was pinch some oat cakes out of the cupboard. When I started this detox I felt that I didn’t have as much motivation to do it as I did last time. I think it’s because I am so much lighter now and my desperation isn’t as great as it was. 

I am amazed that I have got this far. Seeing the weight go down every day has definitely helped me to stay motivated.  Only 5 more days left and then I can have my oats back. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 1lbs.        1lbs⬇️.        74lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

102.1kg.          0.4kgs⬇️.     34.4kg⬇️total

Day 266

Thursday 22nd September 2016

Day 4 of detox was the worst day last time. It was the day I got the shakes really bad, my emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t concentrate at all. I think I spent most of the day in bed because I couldn’t cope. 

At the time I was going through cold turkey on sugar and it was the final stages of the sugar leaving my system which is why it was the worst day. 

I was also ready to quit on day 4 last time. I had hit a brick wall and I couldn’t see a way through it. If I hadn’t have rang Jenny I think I would have quit.

Today is day 4 of detox again. Things are so different – quite frankly I have hardly noticed. No shakes, no erratic emotions my cold is even getting better.

There was a time a few weeks ago that I didn’t think my weight was ever going to move. Lately though, even before the detox, I have been losing weight constantly. This hasn’t happened for so long. I feel like I have had a real breakthrough.

5lbs in one week is some going considering I have been going for so long now. That is the type of weight loss you get in the beginning of a diet not 9 months in.  I just hope it continues 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 2lbs.       0.4lbs⬇️. .      73lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

102.5kg.         0.2kgs⬇️.        34kg⬇️total

Day 265

Wednesday 21st September 2016

Matt has had a cold for a few weeks. He has been complaining about it for a while. I have given him absolutely no sympathy at all. 

He has also been very sharing and now given it to me too. I have been doing really well up until now – this is the first time I have got anything. It’s probably because I didn’t give Matt enough sympathy!

So when I have a cold I would always dose myself up with cough syrup,Strepsils, cough sweets, lemsips anything to make me feel better.

The only thing with that is they all contain lots of sugar. With all the healthy eating I have been doing this year, cold and flu medication is something I shouldn’t be having. 

I am also doing well on my detox, so having medication to help my cold will totally ruin it.  So I am not taking anything for the cold.  I am suffering in silence – well suffering as I don’t think that the family would say I am being that silent. 

I started my healthy eating back in January  and this is the first time I have got sick. Earlier on in the year a lot of people got colds but not me. I seemed to avoid it. 

Why this year have I mostly managed to avoid it but not at all in previous years?  My only explanation is it has to be the food. One thing I have learnt this year is that sugar has a lot to answer for and, according to Jenny, it can also contribute to getting colds.  

So it also doesn’t make sense that the remedies for a cold are full of sugar. How can the thing that cause it to happen be the remedy too?

I think the reason that I caught a cold this time is because I am on a detox. They can make you a little rundown which means I am more susceptible. 

The detox last time was a complete blood sugar meltdown but this time it is working deeper in my liver function and re-presenting toxins from my fat cells back into my system. 

So really I blame this cold on what I ate last year rather the good things I am doing this year.

As for the detox, today has been a really good day – I haven’t really felt hungry and having protein back is a big bonus. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 2.4lbs.       1.6lb⬇️.   . 72.6lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

102.7kg.          0.7kgs⬇️.        33.8kg⬇️total