Year 2 week 32

6th – 12th August 2017

In some stages of my life I have suffered with depression. It has usually been when I have tried to lose weight and failed. 

Depression is something that comes on so gradually that you hardly notice you’re getting it. Once it has got hold of you it’s like  you still don’t notice that you have it – it’s the people around you that notice and they are the ones that suffer. 

For me, when I had it, I didn’t want to do anything. I would sit on the sofa all day and do nothing other than watch films. Jobs that needed to be done around the house just didn’t get done because I couldn’t be bothered. Any slight little issue that cropped up I just couldn’t deal with it, I would end up in tears not knowing how to sort it out. It usually meant that Matt sorted it out for me. My kids have learnt to become very domesticated, which is great now,  but I am sure at the time it wasn’t fair on them. 

This may sound really stupid but depression was a place, at the time, I think I was happy to be in while I was living it and I didn’t have the desire to leave. Thankfully, now I am not there anymore, I see it as a place I do not want to go back to. 

Over the last 18 months I feel I have found a remedy – it’s called exercise. If I think back some of my most happiest times is when I have been doing exercises. Training for my half marathon in Rwanda was one of the hardest things physically I have had to do, but mentally it was a release from all that negativity in my life. It also gave me purpose – something to aim for. 

We have been very lucky because we have room in our house for a gym. It is a place I have been a lot over the past 18 months. However over the past 2 months we have decided to renovate our house and our gym is no more. Well that is until the work is completed. 

I have not done too much exercise since coming back from Rwanda. Partly because we have been away a lot and partly because we have no gym.

I do like exercising outdoors but I like to go with other people. But the days I plan to go it always seems to be raining. 

Exercising in the rain is not much fun. I have never been a person who is really proactive when it comes to exercise so l struggle to go on my own – especially if it’s raining!

I have to admit that over the last few weeks I have been getting slightly down. It can only be the lack of exercise. This week though I have tried to be a bit more proactive and get myself back out there. 

I have managed to do a few bike rides and some walks. I have not started the running back up but I will soon. I have to say it’s worked and cheered me up no end. That’s probably because the weather has been nice as well. 

So I never thought I would ever say this but I can’t wait for the gym to be finished so I can start running again and not have to go out in the rain! 


Year 2 week 23

4th – 10th June

This week has been a much better week, I seem to have abolished my fears of last week and I have got my act together and done something about it. 

I had focused so much on my fear of going backwards that it didn’t give me much room to do something about it. 

This week I have been really focused on my food. I have tried to get it back under control. For me to get it under control has meant cutting out the carbs, eating healthy and going hungry. 

It has been a good reminder of what it was like for me a year ago. I have absolutely no idea how I did it for so long because this is really hard. Last year I got the shakes went through sugar withdrawals and I felt really hungry for a long time. Now all I am getting is the hunger but it’s a struggle.

I have tried to do some exercise too. I didn’t want to go so mad because of my energy levels and the lack of food. So I thought gentle exercise would be ok at this time. 

I have had a few appointments this week. So for my exercise I decided to walk to my appointments rather than take the car. 

Leaving the car is something I have never done. I take my car everywhere. Walking on my own is also something I have never done. For me to exercise I have always needed the motivation of someone being there with me. 

To be self motivated is a big step up for me. For me to feel that I can go out by myself and not rely on other people is great. I just hope I can continue it because it means I can go out for a run, walk at my own convenience rather than waiting for people to be available. I do find going with others is more fun but now I have the option. 

To you this may sound silly, people exercise on their own all the time. To me though it’s not. I have always wanted to be self motivated to do it alone but there was always something holding me back. It was usually the sofa, the TV or even my bed – they always seemed so much more appealing. 

When you have to meet someone it’s easier because I would never want to let them down so I would always turn up whether I wanted to or not. 

So I’m going to try and do things on my own a bit more now. 

Day 259

Thursday 25th September 2016

Matt has give up so much for me this year. He has helped me in so many ways. I am still managing to do my walks and I don’t think I would have ever done them without him.

When we walk, we walk arm in arm, and we have to make sure we are moving the same by putting the right foot forward at the same time and then the left. If we don’t we are banging each other and we are all out of sync. It can cause us to have a very rough journey.  However when we are together, in sync, it is such a smoother walk and a lot more pleasurable. 

Similarly machinery doesn’t work without being in sync. Each cog has a place and unless they are positioned correctly all the other cogs are totally useless. 

Life can be like this – we just need to put our cogs in the right place. From time to time the cogs move out of place and become out of sync – it’s our job to put them back, otherwise they grind against each other and can cause everything to stop. 

Life is not perfect, sometimes it can be really hard. I know for many years my cogs have been all over the place. They haven’t been positioned correctly or just won’t turn. It’s only now that I am making them work in sync again. 

You can be eating all the right stuff but if you’re eating at totally the wrong time or the wrong amounts, or not accompanying it with some exercise, then it’s hard for things to fall in sync. Likewise you can exercise like mad but if you don’t eat properly it will all soon fall apart. Synchronising all these elements is important. 

Also having people around who are for me, supporting me, and just want the best for me and would do anything to see me succeed is what makes those cogs turn in sync. They help smooth the challenges I face and keep me going. 

Getting healthy is so helping me put mine back in place. It’s sorting out issues I have been holding for many years. I never really realised when I started this year that I could change so much. I never really realised I had so many issues that I had to deal with. It’s amazing what you can do when you dig deeper.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 6.2lbs.      ⬅️➡️.    . 68.8lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

104.4kg.           ⬅️➡️.        32.1kg⬇️total

Day 252

Thursday 8th September 2016

With the kids going back to school, I can get back into some kind of routine. That means seeing some people I haven’t seen since the beginning of summer. 

I felt over the summer I tried hard with very little results. I went on a few bike rides – one that was 23 miles – I climbed Snowdon and I went on many walks, some of them quite challenging. I have done more activities this summer than I have ever done before. 

I have even eaten a lot healthier over the summer. I went away a few times and I still watched what I ate. I was very conscious that I didn’t want to ruin all my hard work up until that point. Putting all this into consideration I felt that I hadn’t lost any weight. 

So why all of a sudden are people shocked by how much weight I have lost? Some people say that they are hardly recognising me. 

I know deep down I am doing well but I just can’t see it. To me I am the same only I have more energy, my clothes are baggy and my health has improved. I just can’t see what everyone else sees. 

Today though I had a shock

One thing I was shocked about was that I decided to look back at what my weight was at the beginning of the summer. I thought I had not lost any weight but it turns out that I have actually lost 5lbs. Ok, so it’s not brilliant but it’s definitely better than nothing. 

I spend my time looking at what I was yesterday but when I actually looked a bit further back it turns out to be a lot better than I thought. 

Another thing that constantly shocks me  is when I go shopping for clothes. I would go for a 16 comfortably but I have been known to buy a 14. Yesterday I had to buy a 12!

Today I went shopping with my sister in law and niece, Kate, and I tried on a coat. I have always found that with coats I need to get bigger because of all the clothes on underneath. I got a 16 thinking I would need to go up a size but no, I had to go down a size. I couldn’t believe it. 

So there’s me thinking that I had made no progress whatsoever over the summer but really I think I achieved a lot!

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 7.4lbs. ⬅️➡️. 67.6lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

105kg. ⬅️➡️. 31.5kg⬇️total

Day 240

Saturday 27th August 2016

My mum has a holiday home in Branscombe on the south coast of Devon. I have been going there every year since I was a child and now I find that I take my kids every year too. 

I have visited the surrounding area many times. However there is a cave that you can go to but I have never been. Today we thought we would go. 

I really wasn’t prepared mentally on the walk I was about to take. We ended up walking down a track where you had to climb over logs and rocks then the path got narrower and you would get scratched by thorns, stung by all the stingers and then whacked in the face by the person infront after they let go of a branch. At one point I was crawling on my hands and knees to avoid the thorny overhead branches. 

If that wasn’t bad enough the path then got steeper. After a while there was a rope to help you. I should have thought right there that the path was going to get worse and I should turn back, but no, stupid me continued. 

The rope was very much needed – I would never have done it without it. Eventually we came out of the bushes to see the cave infront of us. The only thing is that it was high up. 

The only way you could get to the cave was now full-on climbing. I worked so hard and then I failed at the final hurdle. 

There was no way I was getting up there.

In the past when I have been on a diet that was exactly what has happened. I would try really hard and do really well. Then I would even see my final goal and then when things got tougher, my willpower went and my belief that I could do it went too, eventhough my support (the rope) continued to help me until the end. Previously I had let myself down and I am determined that I am not going to let it happen this time.

I couldn’t wait to get back down because I am now aching in places that I didn’t even realise existed and my waterproof jacket is not quite so waterproof anymore!

No weigh in

Day 228

Monday 15th August 2016

This morning I woke half expecting to be in pain from my bike ride yesterday. I thought that I would be so stiff that I wouldn’t be able to walk or I would really struggle. 

However, when I woke up I had no pain anywhere – I was not stiff at all. I needed no help whatsoever. 

I have had a bad shoulder for a long time and usually when I cycle it hurts for a few days afterwards but not this time. 

I have noticed though that the more exercise I do the more I am putting on weight. This is not really worrying me at all because eventhough the scales are going up I feel thinner so I must be putting on muscle. 

But I am sure that the scales will come back down soon because I know I am not putting on weight by what I eat.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 8.4lbs.     0.6lbs⬆️.     66.6lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

105.4kg.        0.3kg⬆️.      31.9kg⬇️total

Day 217

Thursday 4th August 2016

It is really nice to be home. When on holiday there is no such thing as routine. We are a family that, while on holiday, we don’t make particular plans. We just wake up in the morning and see what we all want to do. 

When at home we like routine. It’s nice to get some routine back. I can’t believe I am saying this but I missed having my green juice every morning. It’s good to have them back. 

I have also missed my daily walks. Today I got my boots out again.

I haven’t been on a walk for about a month. I thought I would find it hard, I thought I would struggle up the hills but I didn’t. In fact I found it really easy.

I think maybe it’s time to start walking further or do something a little more challenging. 

I’m very happy with the weight I have lost over my holiday. The struggle was worth it in the end. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 8.2lbs.   3.9lbs⬇️.    66.8lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

105.3kg.          1.8kg⬇️.       31.2kg⬇️total

Day 197

Friday 15th July 2016

Today we went on a day trip to Annecy. It’s one of my favourite places in France. It has a lake, the mountains, lots of shops and nice restaurants, there are lots of activities for the kids it is also very quaint.

We have been to Annecy many times before and we love it. In the past the only draw back is the amount of walking we do. We usually park a little way from the town and then walk in. Today the walking didn’t bother me at all. 

We looked round the shops, had lunch and then we walked to the lake side so the kids could kick at football around. This is the point of the day I relax. Not today though I spent my time kicking a football around too. 

Excuse the pun but this was one of my goals and today I achieved it. We had so much fun in the process . We spent most of the time laughing mainly at me because I am rubbish at football. 

It has only taken me 6 short months to make these minor changes but to me it had been so worth it.

No weigh in

Day 151

Monday 30th May 2016

Bank Holiday Monday which can only mean one thing. A lie in. Well to 8am at least but that is a lie in for me

Today was a well deserved relaxing day at home. 

I have always loved slippers. Slippers are always on my Christmas list. Today, however, I love my slippers more than normal. 

I don’t think my feet have ever ached so much. In the last 4 days I have walked over 70,000 steps. 

I wore my slippers most of the day today. The only time I took them off was when I went for a walk with my neighbour. I think I am a glutton for punishment.  I did only do 3k rather than my normal 5k.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

17st 3.8lbs.        ⬅️➡️.      57.2lbs⬇️total

Start weight 135.6 kg

109.6kg.           ⬅️➡️.           27kg⬇️total

Day 150

Sunday 29th May 2016

We got home from London yesterday afternoon and this morning we got up early to travel to the south coast.

We were going to a Christian music festival called The Big Church Day Out. It means a lot of standing, walking and, of course, dancing.  My feet are still aching from all the walking I did in London. I am feeling sorry for my poor feet.

I just want to put my feet up and relax.

My achy feet have been so worth it. I had a great day. 

I don’t think that I could have handled all this walking last year. I would have only been able to walk half the distance and it would have taken me 3 days to recover after I came back from London!

Start weight 21st 5lbs

17st 3.8lbs.      0.7lbs⬇️      57.2lbs⬇️total

Start weight 135.6 kg
109.6kg.          0.4kg⬇️            27kg⬇️total