Year 2 week 45

5th- 11th October 2017

Every time I try to lose weight I always do really well at first. The first few stone has always been very easy – it’s probably because I always start a diet with about 7 stone or more to lose!

After the first few stone has come off the next few are slightly more hard work but they do come off gradually. 

Usually after 5 stone has come off I stop. The weight from then on in just doesn’t want to budge. It’s like I have hit a brick wall with absolutely no way of getting around it. 

I have hit that brick wall many times before. I have tried everything to get through but that wall always seems to stay intact. The longest I have ever been there is 6 months and then I give up and ended up turning around and going back again usually putting on more weight than I ever have before. 

This time though is different I have been standing at that wall now for over a year and however hard I try I still can’t break through. 

Since my half marathon and the holidays I have been on over the summer the weight has been gradually creeping back on again – not much but enough for me to notice. I have stayed healthy with my eating but I have had a slightly more relaxed attitude. I think my portion sizes have been getting bigger and some treats were creeping back in too. 

It has got me to a point where I am standing at that wall and wondering what now. 


I feel I can’t go down this journey and gradually put the weight back on again. I have come too far.  There is only one option and that is to try harder.  It means going to the beginning again. You may be thinking that I have done that before and you would be right. 

Last time though I was doing it out of desperation. I had to because I couldn’t continue down the road I was going on. I think my determination came from my desperation to change. 

This time though I have gone back to the beginning without that desperation to change. I feel I have achieved all my goals other than getting to my ideal weight. I have so much more energy, I can go into a regular shop and there would be lots of clothes that would fit, I am eating healthier and lots more. 

Without that desperation to change I wasn’t sure if I could do it. In someways I prefer to start with the desperation because it drives you. Starting again now has been so much harder. 

I am now 10 days in my current detox and I am actually surprised with how well I have done. I have managed to lose 8 pounds in that time. I have felt a little hungry but not as much as I thought. I just hope the weight continues to fall. 

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Year 2 week 34

20th – 26th August 2017

One thing I have learnt on this journey is that losing weight isn’t just about dropping the pounds . It’s also about changing habits, changing your mindset and the way I  think. It’s about forgetting the way you have done things in the past and changing it for the better. 

For me it has also been a journey of self discovery. I think the first step was knowing I needed to change and the second was doing something about it. Losing all those bad habits and emotional issues I had lived with for years was a bonus. 

One thing I find though is that I have to keep re-evaluating. Sometimes I feel that some of those old thoughts and feelings are creeping back in. 

The only way I can describe it is like I am playing a game of chess, but I keep getting myself in check. I feel I have to always be one step ahead of the game to even attempt to overcome my opponent. 

It can be tiring re-evaluating all the time because one wrong move will end me up in check mate and that means it’s game over. 


I am finding 40 odd years of bad habits is hard to get rid of forever. This is why I am constantly re-evaluating my thoughts, my emotions, the way I think. 

Some weeks I find I do really well and I can keep it all at bay. But some weeks I have to admit I fail miserably.

I just feel I need to keep myself moving around that board. I feel I am in a never ending game of life and I just need to keep moving keep evaluating to succeed. 

Day 36

Friday 5th February 2016

Day 9 of detox

I don’t mind so much what I am eating any more. I kind of have this attitude that it doesn’t matter what it tastes like going in, it’s what it does on the inside that counts. I don’t seem to crave sweet things any more either.

I did go to M&S food and it bothered me a little.

Still feeling shaky, I am amazed how I can survive for so long on so few calories it must be the quality and not the quantity that counts.

20st 1.1lbs.   0.7lbs⬇️.     17.9lbs⬇️total

Day 32

Monday 31st February

Day 5 of detox

Had a much better day today, all the withdrawal symptoms are gone.

Saw the nutritionist again she said because my withdrawals are gone, the healthy food I am eating is being used more effectively and I am burning fat better using my reserves. So I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise it.


20st 3.5lbs.     0.2 lbs⬇️.      15.5lbs⬇️total😐

Day 31

Sunday 31st January 2016

Day 4 of detox

I am still eating food I don’t like, but I am going to persevere with it in the hope that I do get to like it.

By late morning I got very giddy and shaky and I couldn’t shake it off, not even after lunch. I was so bad at lunch time that I cried my way through it. I just couldn’t cope any more.


Had to go to bed in the afternoon but I was really struggling. I got to the stage where I wanted to quit I thought I would tell Jenny the nutritionist so I called her.

She said that I am doing really well and to keep going and that what I am feeling is natural because at the minute all the glucose is coming out of my liver and the shakes are like me going through cold turkey. She said tomorrow would be better.

So I didn’t quit.

After dinner a was a little better.

20st 3.7lbs.    1lb⬇️.     15.3lbs⬇️total😫😂😭