Year 2 week 49

3rd – 9th December 2017

I have been going down this journey a long time now that sometimes I forget what I used to be like. I forget how much I have changed. It’s like I have totally forgotten the past and I’m living for the now which is how it should be I suppose.

Every now and then though I get a little reminder of how far I have come. It’s usually something small and very insignificant. Insignificant to those around me but for me it was probably something I was hiding behind.

I got one of these reminders this week. It came when I went round someone’s house. I went in and they asked me to sit down. I made my way to the nearest sofa moved all the cushions to the floor and sat down.

That little act I know does seem really insignificant, it seems like a thing no one would ever remember but to me in that moment it meant a lot.

2 years ago before I even started this journey I would have sat on the sofa and put a cushion on my lap and basically hug it until I left.

I was always a little embarrassed about my size so I put the cushion there to stop people seeing my stomach. It was also my way of hiding. I think I used it to protect myself from any conflict or comments coming my way. I also used it as a security blanket – something to give me comfort in a place that I was self conscious, which was practically all the time then.

So you can see why this totally insignificant act of throwing the cushions on the floor meant so much to me. I use to be a person who hid behind everything.

Last year it was all about the weight loss, the emotional loss and regaining my self esteem. This year though it’s all about maintaining all the good I did last year. Maintaining for me has been a lot harder thing to do.

So when I get a little reminder like those cushions it makes me think I am doing ok still and giving me a whole new meaning when I look at my cushions.


Years 2 week 9

26th February- 4th March

For the first time since my operation I am starting to feel normal again. This week I have gone about my routine very easily. 

I have been able to do my walking again. I thought I would not handle it too well because I haven’t done it in a while but I was fine. I went at a little slower pace because I didn’t want to aggravate my arms. 

I haven’t started my running yet but I do think I can soon. 

I am really happy about getting back to normal but, if I think about it, what is normal?  I have always wanted to be a person who is the same as everyone else – someone who doesn’t stand out from the crowd a person who blends in. 

I have very often heard people being classed as peas in a pod. My sister and I are very often referred to in that way. My kids are like peas in a pod too. It’s not that they look like each other – it’s how they act, their mannerisms, the way they talk. 

I suppose, as humans,  we are all like peas  in a pod but we can all be different too and we all reflect our own unique personality. 

Before I started this journey my normal was totally different to the normal I know now.  Actually, if I think back, the normal I was living before was not really normal at all. 

Spending most of your life living with low self esteem, emotional issues, not valuing yourself, secretly eating and only focusing inwardly to me is not normal and is not really part of God’s plan, but that was my normal for many years. I am afraid to say that I discovered it is actually quite a common feeling too with others. 

My normal now though is so different and changing all the time. I suppose you could say it’s progressing and improving all the time. 

So even though I have always wanted to be a person who is normal, on reflection I am happy to be different. Perhaps we should celebrate our differences because they make life so much more interesting and varied. It would be boring if all our ‘normals’ were the same. 

Day 333

Monday 28th November 2016

I think all children when growing up dream of making there parents proud. I know I always did. 

I do hear them say that they are proud of me all the time but I have never really believed it. I have never really thought I have done anything for anyone to be proud of. 

It was probably my low self esteem that made me think that way.

This year I have had so many people say that they are proud of me. My Mum and Dad have said it a lot too. This time though I believe them. 

But I have still struggled to be proud of myself. When I look in the mirror I don’t see myself looking any different from the way I have always looked. I used to look in the mirror and I saw myself as being thinner to what I really was. Now, though, I still see myself as I always have. It can mess with your mind a little. 

Yesterday, trying to lift 70lbs of granite  made me realise just how much weight I have lost.  

For the first time in forever I actually felt proud of myself. I think that must show how much I have changed and how much I am still changing this year. 

Day 166

Tuesday 14th June 2016

For a few weeks now I have just wanted to get to the 60lbs down mark. I was finally happy when I hit that mark today. 

I would class myself as being very fortunate – I had a good childhood and I am still very close to my family, I have a good marriage, I have 4 lovely sons, I have got a lot of great friends. 

So I don’t know why for years I have felt trapped, with low self esteem, with a lack of confidence, with all my health issues.  I have basically been trapped in my own body for years.

I have only just had this revelation today as I think when you are trapped you don’t notice it. When Jenny, our cleaner, said that I seem to have a lot more freedom to do things now, I realised she was right. 

People everywhere fight for freedom. Countries fight wars for their freedom, the suffragettes fought for women’s freedom,  Jesus died on the cross for our freedom. So why have I never done it for myself. 

It’s only now that I realise my confidence is coming back, my self esteem is better, I don’t seem to want to hide behind things anymore. I still think there is a way to go but I am realising with this lifestyle change I am doing, I am finding my own freedom again. 

I have felt that I lost my personality under all that weight. Now that it is going I am starting to see the old me again.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

17st 0.8lbs.       0.6lbs⬇️.     60.2lbs⬇️total

Start weight 135.6 kg

108.3kg.            0.3kg⬇️.        28.3kg⬇️total