Year 2 week 2

8th – 14th January 2017

This week has been a really bad week for me. I have had a bad cold and the first few days I was in bed. Then the cold seemed to clear and I felt a lot better except my ears were really blocked. 

I find when your ears are blocked it can send your balance out and it really did with me. I would try and walk down the corridor but I was going completely in the wrong direction. I couldn’t seem to correct it and go the right way. 

All week I have been hitting walls and cabinets and the room has done nothing but spin. It has taken me a lot longer to get to where I wanted to go. It’s like something is pulling me back. 

I feel that is how my motivation has gone too. I am struggling to stay on track. I want to head one way but there’s this voice in my head that says “your year is up you don’t have to do this anymore” and this is trying to make me go backwards. I am fighting against it – but to no avail sometimes. 

I am hoping it’s only because I have a cold and my motivation will come back when it’s gone. The cold has made me feel extremely hungry as well this week. 

I have managed to not eat between my meals and wait 5 hours till I can eat again.  But I think that my portion sizes have been a little larger than they should be. 

I have not been able to exercise all week either which has been very frustrating. I have wanted to exercise but didn’t feel I could. 

One thing this cold has taught me is that I need to start measuring my food again, to get my portion sizes back on track. I have stopped weighing my food for about 6 months. 

I think my portion size has generally been ok but I think to measure again would not hurt. It would be like starting from the beginning again. All I remember is being very motivated at the very beginning so hopefully by me weighing my food and being back in control of what I eat I will boost my motivation. 

I am also planning to up the exercise again. I am going to try and do at least 30 minutes everyday. Some days I already do an hour but exercising all the others days for at least 30 mins will hopefully get me back on track. 

Last year when I was writing my thoughts down everyday and sharing it on this blog helped me keep my goals at the forefront of my mind. I found it really helpful and I managed to focus on where I was heading better. 

This year, without me writing my thoughts down everyday, has seemed to make it harder for some reason. To write and draw a picture everyday for a year really did take a lot out of me. It did however stop me from thinking about food and made me think how I was to achieve my goals instead. 

To keep up that pace everyday is not sustainable for long – I am surprised how I managed it for a year!  I do need to find something else to keep me focused though. Maybe it will come in time. 


Day 335

Wednesday 30th November 2016

At the beginning of the year I wasn’t very determined at all to lose weight.  I thought I would give it a go though

After a few weeks my determination levels began to rise when the weight started to fall. 

It wasn’t long before my determination levels hit maximum. I have maintained that level for a long time. I feel I have been very determined and motivated to succeed even when things got tough. 

But lately I feel that those levels are dropping. 

Tomorrow I start my 12th month which I think is some going, but I have a feeling that this 12th month is going to be one of the hardest. 

With Christmas nearly here and all the food that will be around at parties and evenings out along with all the extra food that always comes out this time of year, I feel all this is really going to test my determination. 

There is one thing going for me and that is that this year I have got myself into some really good habits. I can’t seem to stand the smell of anything sweet anymore, I don’t really like the smell of anything milky either. I just hope that will mean I can resist and not succumb to temptation.

My desperation to lose weight has also reduced as the weight has dropped which has caused my determination levels to lower.

With the fact I am writing all this today means I am conscious of it which hopefully means that I won’t let that determination lower anymore but maybe send that needle back in the other direction. 

Day 267

Friday 23rd September 2016

If you had asked me the question last year “are you addicted to anything?” I probably would have said “nothing” but secretly thought chocolate. 

I have always had a weakness for chocolate – Cadburys especially. If I think about it now I had a weakness for biscuits, cakes and sweets too. 

If I wanted it I ate it without thinking of the consequences, which was bad health and piling on the weight. 

I always thought that addictions were drugs and alcohol related but you can get addicted to lots of things. Even exercise (that’s never gonna happen with me) or  hobbies or, for me, certain food. 

In January when I was last on the detox I had to practically lock away the chocolate, biscuits, cakes and sweets – all things I was addicted too. 

All I knew was that if I saw any of them I would have eaten them. The detox last time really helped me get over that addiction. 

I came into this detox without the addiction to all the food that are bad for you, but over the last few months I have found that I was starting to rely on oats. They were on my food list so I was allowed them but it came to a point that I was having to have some after every meal. 

Today I have been really hungry and all I have wanted to do was pinch some oat cakes out of the cupboard. When I started this detox I felt that I didn’t have as much motivation to do it as I did last time. I think it’s because I am so much lighter now and my desperation isn’t as great as it was. 

I am amazed that I have got this far. Seeing the weight go down every day has definitely helped me to stay motivated.  Only 5 more days left and then I can have my oats back. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 1lbs.        1lbs⬇️.        74lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

102.1kg.          0.4kgs⬇️.     34.4kg⬇️total

Day 260

Friday 16th September 2016

On and off I have had a personal trainer for about 10 years, in that time I must have had about 5 trainers. I have always felt I needed one because if I didn’t exercise the weight would pile on. 

Matt was leaving on a cycle ride this morning and I said that he had so much motivation going and exercising by himself. I also told him that if Leon (my personal trainer) wasn’t coming I wouldn’t be exercising at all. 

Why is it that some people can exercise alone and others can’t. If I think back 10 years to when I first got a personal trainer I remember saying that one of my goals was to be self motivated and exercise by myself. That just hasn’t happened at all. 

I find nothing more boring than going to a gym alone getting on a treadmill and staring at the wall the entire time. 

However if I had friends running on the treadmills either side of me that would be so much more enjoyable. 

When I exercise with others I always turn up because if I don’t I won’t just be letting myself down. 

I think if I exercised alone I would not do a proper workout either – one sign of things getting difficult and I would stop. Other people help you to continue and see it through to the end.

That is how I feel with all the support I am getting. I have got so many people investing time, giving encouraging words and helping me that it makes me want to continue until the end. Because if I don’t I won’t just be letting myself down.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 6.2lbs.      ⬅️➡️.      68.8lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

104.4kg.             ⬅️➡️.        32.1kg⬇️total

Day 241

Sunday 28th August 2016

We have two dogs, they are Hungarian Viszlas. The oldest dog Viz is a female and a few years ago we decided to breed her. She had four male puppies. We kept the first born and named him Wesley and we sold the rest.

We have a very big garden and fields behind where we live so we don’t have to take them out for a walk – we can just let them out because there is plenty of room for them to run around. 

This year though we have been trying to train them because it would be nice to take them for walks with us from time to time. 

Wesley has never been on holiday, or even left the house and gardens unless he is going to the vets or kennels. We have however brought them with us to Devon. 

We have been on walks everyday. We thought it was a perfect opportunity to train them on the lead. 

Wesley who is 18 months old has learnt really quickly. But Viz, who is older, is being a bit more stubborn to train. She still wants to pull on that lead. 

It shows that saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is totally true. 

I, like Viz, feel I am an ‘old dog’ this year. For many years I have tried to change my eating habits and it has taken extreme willpower and motivation to finally see it working.

It has come now to the stage that I am trying to teach my kids about eating healthier. I am finding that with my youngest son it is relatively easy but his older brothers are a totally different story. There appears to be nothing I can do that will change their eating habits. And it’s not for the lack of trying. 

It’s like with the old dog – he will not change his tricks unless he wants to. The same applies to my kids. When they are  so set in their ways they are never going to change unless they want to do it for themselves. That is why my youngest is willing to try and not my older boys. 

It is my fault though that they have got into these bad habits because they have only been copying me for years. It makes me wish I did this sooner.

No weigh in

Day 240

Saturday 27th August 2016

My mum has a holiday home in Branscombe on the south coast of Devon. I have been going there every year since I was a child and now I find that I take my kids every year too. 

I have visited the surrounding area many times. However there is a cave that you can go to but I have never been. Today we thought we would go. 

I really wasn’t prepared mentally on the walk I was about to take. We ended up walking down a track where you had to climb over logs and rocks then the path got narrower and you would get scratched by thorns, stung by all the stingers and then whacked in the face by the person infront after they let go of a branch. At one point I was crawling on my hands and knees to avoid the thorny overhead branches. 

If that wasn’t bad enough the path then got steeper. After a while there was a rope to help you. I should have thought right there that the path was going to get worse and I should turn back, but no, stupid me continued. 

The rope was very much needed – I would never have done it without it. Eventually we came out of the bushes to see the cave infront of us. The only thing is that it was high up. 

The only way you could get to the cave was now full-on climbing. I worked so hard and then I failed at the final hurdle. 

There was no way I was getting up there.

In the past when I have been on a diet that was exactly what has happened. I would try really hard and do really well. Then I would even see my final goal and then when things got tougher, my willpower went and my belief that I could do it went too, eventhough my support (the rope) continued to help me until the end. Previously I had let myself down and I am determined that I am not going to let it happen this time.

I couldn’t wait to get back down because I am now aching in places that I didn’t even realise existed and my waterproof jacket is not quite so waterproof anymore!

No weigh in

Day 238

Thursday 25th August 2016

About 6 years ago we were on a family holiday to Canada. While we were there we went up the CN Tower in Toronto. I am ok with heights if I have something to hold onto. 

When at the top of the CN Tower there was this floor made of glass and you could see all the way to the ground. I could not walk on the glass – it made me very nervous to look through it. 

I held onto the edge so tight and walked with my feet as close to the edge as I could. All the people around thought I was funny. This one guy, who I had never met, got me and pushed me into the centre of the glass I screamed really loud and everybody else laughed. 

I have that same nervous feeling if standing on the edge of a cliff. 

I can’t stand too close to the edge because I am afraid I am going to fall over the edge.

This morning when I woke up I was really nervous and on edge. I felt like I was standing on the edge of that cliff. 

The reason I was nervous today was because the GCSE results are in. My eldest son has worked really hard to get good marks and today we would finally see how well he had done. 

He, however, was really calm – it was just me who was the nervous wreck. I really didn’t have to worry though because he did really well and got into the sixth form of his choice. 

That nervous feeling can really mess things up for the day. It made me feel nauseous and sick which meant that I didn’t feel hungry at all but at the same time I felt that I wanted to eat. 

I think in the past I would have eaten anything in sight. It was comfort eating anything to make me feel better and take my mind off the nerves. Today I had to sit and endure it. 

After he got his results I had instant relief and then the tiredness kicked in. I was extremely tired then for the rest of the day. A lot more than normal. 

Nerves can do so much to mess up your routine. It took a lot to stay focused today.  I did but those nerves have a lot to answer for!

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 8lbs.    0.2lbs⬆️.     67lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

105.2kg.       0.1kg⬆️.      31.3kg⬇️total

Day 232

Friday 19th August 2016

I find that there are lots of things that really keep me motivated to succeed. It’s really good to have a family who are supportive. It’s also good to have friends who are there for me too. Jenny, my nutritionist, has been really good at keeping me motivated.

I think without that support I am not sure I would have ever continued for so long. 

One other thing that is helping with my motivation is this blog/diary. I find the fact that I have to sit, write and draw a picture everyday is really beneficial to me. 

It gets me noticing things that I might never have noticed. It gets me thinking about all the positive things I am doing. It keeps me focused in the right direction. But most of all it keeps me motivated.

Somedays I struggle to know what to draw, somedays I draw the same things many times to get the picture right and somedays are easy. 

It was Matt’s idea for me to write a diary everyday. As I am better at drawing than writing I thought I would draw it instead. 

It has been good for me because if I have a low day or need some encouragement I just look back at my drawings and remember how I felt when I drew it. 

I have only ever done it for my own benefit, however, knowing that I am encouraging others is an added bonus. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 8.4lbs. ⬅️➡️. 66.6lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

105.4kg. ⬅️➡️.     31.9kg⬇️total

Day 208

Tuesday 26th July 2016

A few months back I went to a conference. One of the reasons I was there was because there was an artist doing a workshop. She does a lot of prophetic art. As I am really into art I went to her workshop. She gave us blank cards that we were to write something to someone in the room. I didn’t know anyone else but I wrote my card and handed it to a lady. I got a few back in return. All were very relevant to my situation. 

One card said though “you are digging deep, but dig deeper still.” I have no idea who gave me that card and I don’t think they knew me and what I was going through this year.

That phrase “Dig Deep” has cropped up so many times since people have been using it to encourage me, to keep going. 

Today Matt has done an amazing challenge. We are staying in France near Mt Ventoux and the challenge is to cycle up the 3 different routes to the top within 24 hours. It’s 5000 meters of climbing in total over 140 kilometres. He did it in 8 hours. For Matt to even succeed in this challenge he had to really dig deep – especially as he was by himself for much of it. 

There were times that he wanted to quit. There were times he had absolutely no strength to continue. But he really did dig deep and he succeeded. He battled the steep inclines, the isolation, the heat, even the rain at times! Now he looks back and he is really proud of his achievement. He knows alot of cyclists but hasn’t come across any that have completed that challenge. 

I found Matt’s achievement very inspiring. The sheer grit and determination I saw made me so proud of him. 

I am finding that for me to succeed and get anywhere near my goals I think I need to start digging even deeper just like that note said. 

It may be hard but the rewards will be worth it when I succeed. 

No weigh in 

Day 189

Thursday 7th July 2016

I really like routine – if I plan to do things regularly I would book it in the same time every week. 

I don’t work but I spend my time doing my hobbies and planning for my healthier lifestyle. I find time to do this while the kids are at school. 

Yesterday my kids broke up from school for the summer holidays. So today I had to get rid of my routine and do things with them.
In the summer holidays I find that all routine goes out of the window, it’s like my clock has stopped for a season.  

I feel that this year I will need to try harder to keep my clock of routine wound up tight. 

In the summer I don’t have time to think about to much other than the kids. With the kids in the house they need to be occupied, they still need to be fed and food still needs to be bought. 

I am worried though that I will quickly get back into my old habits and not have the time to prepare my own food but end up eating the kids food instead. 

I value my routine  it’s what keeps me going. Without it I feel like that stopped clock. It is going to take a lot to keep it going.

Start weight 21st 5lbs

16st 11.8lbs.    0.8lbs⬇️.    63.2lbs⬇️total

Start weight 135.6 kg

107.0kg.         0.3kg⬇️.      29.8kg⬇️total