Year 2 week 49

3rd – 9th December 2017

I have been going down this journey a long time now that sometimes I forget what I used to be like. I forget how much I have changed. It’s like I have totally forgotten the past and I’m living for the now which is how it should be I suppose.

Every now and then though I get a little reminder of how far I have come. It’s usually something small and very insignificant. Insignificant to those around me but for me it was probably something I was hiding behind.

I got one of these reminders this week. It came when I went round someone’s house. I went in and they asked me to sit down. I made my way to the nearest sofa moved all the cushions to the floor and sat down.

That little act I know does seem really insignificant, it seems like a thing no one would ever remember but to me in that moment it meant a lot.

2 years ago before I even started this journey I would have sat on the sofa and put a cushion on my lap and basically hug it until I left.

I was always a little embarrassed about my size so I put the cushion there to stop people seeing my stomach. It was also my way of hiding. I think I used it to protect myself from any conflict or comments coming my way. I also used it as a security blanket – something to give me comfort in a place that I was self conscious, which was practically all the time then.

So you can see why this totally insignificant act of throwing the cushions on the floor meant so much to me. I use to be a person who hid behind everything.

Last year it was all about the weight loss, the emotional loss and regaining my self esteem. This year though it’s all about maintaining all the good I did last year. Maintaining for me has been a lot harder thing to do.

So when I get a little reminder like those cushions it makes me think I am doing ok still and giving me a whole new meaning when I look at my cushions.

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