28th May- 3rd June 2017
I always knew that my trip to Rwanda was the end of one thing and the beginning of something else. I just didn’t really know what.
However I don’t know why I had that feeling because, as far my weight loss goes, I still have a very long way to go until I get to my goal.
If I think about it I haven’t really started anything new and as far as the diet is going I feel like I have taken about 100 steps backwards.
I have never been a fearful person. I’m not afraid to fly, I am not afraid to go on roller coasters or things like that. If I am afraid of anything it would probably be the fear of failing, the fear of getting it wrong, the fear of looking stupid, a fear of going backwards. So in past I wouldn’t do much because of that.
Before I went to Rwanda one thing that almost stopped me from signing up was the fear of failing. I have to say that fear continued up until the day I left. I was so worried that I wasn’t going to cross that finish line, that I hadn’t trained enough, that I totally underestimated my ability.
While in Rwanda on the day before the run I was sitting on a bus and I put my headphones on. I was happy listening away when a song came on that really affected me. I was sitting there with tears running down my checks. It was a song that I had heard many times before but it never affected me like that before.
The line that affected me the most went,”I’m no longer a slave to fear, but I am a child of God”. Knowing what I was about to do I found that this song really helped.
But since coming home I have come to realise that I have put those shackles back on again. This time though it’s a fear of going backwards. I don’t know what it is about fear, but I find that sometimes by fearing it I am helping it to happen. And I feel that is exactly what is happening with me.
Since feeling this way I have heard that song a few times and it has had the same emotional effect on me.
Over the last few days I have been to a women’s conference with 8,000 people there. On the last day they played that song. I couldn’t believe it. I had already drawn my picture too. It was so much more than a coincidence – it was like God was trying to tell me something. It was like that song was played just for me.
After the preacher talked about the fact that sometimes we need to begin again. It’s not always an easy thing to do. I thought at the time it doesn’t apply to me because it’s something I have already done 16 months ago. But then I got to thinking that I already knew since coming back from Rwanda that it was the start of something new. So why was I denying it?
For me to begin again is to go back 16 months and start it all over again. That in itself can be really scary because this time I know exactly what I am getting into. All those days of being hungry, all those days of watching people eat nice food and me craving to eat it too. I need to get an awful lot of will power back again as well.
So I have decided I am going to take off those shackles and embrace the journey I have ahead of me. After all I have done it before I CAN do it again and it can’t be as hard as last time!