Day 359

Saturday 24th December 2016

Christmas Eve.

I have been on this journey for nearly a year now which means that I have known Jenny for nearly a year. She has very often this year compared me to an onion and gradually over the year I have been peeling off the layers. 

The layers consist of past hurts and all the emotional problems I have lived with for years. I do really agree with this analogy, however there is one layer that is being really stubborn to remove. 

When I was about 13 my Mum bought me my first bikini. I think she thought I would like it . 13 is a very vulnerable age,  it’s an age you start to feel self conscious and still contain your puppy fat. I was no different. 

So even though it was nice of my Mum to buy me that bikini it was the last thing I wanted to wear. 

In those days we use to go on holiday with another family who had 2 boys just a little older than me. They would tease me a lot. One day while on holiday I was asked to wear the bikini –  I did kick up a bit of a fuss but eventually I put it on. 

I felt so self conscious and totally exposed.  In my head it was my worst nightmare. I really didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to put my swim suit back on and carry on like normal. 

I think the fact I felt so exposed made the 2 boys’ teasing worse – they did nothing but laugh at me. To make matters worse was that there was a photo taken of me. A reminder every now and then about how I felt. I have to say I have been left scarred from that situation 

My belly is something, since that day, that never sees the light of day and I have to say I am never planning to ever let it see the light of day either. However I don’t feel so scarred from that situation anymore. 

Over the year, though, so many of those layers have been peeled away to be left with just one that isn’t really an issue anymore. That isn’t too bad I think. 


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