Day 291

Monday 17th October 2016

My official name is Deborah. When I was born it was a popular name but my parents also chose it because it is biblical. Deborah in the bible was a judge and she was the only female judge recorded. 

I try to be a person who doesn’t judge or pass blame. I like to think I would rather see the best in people than point a finger at others. 

Yesterday something was said at church about us not pointing fingers at others. At first I thought that it didn’t apply to me because I am not a judgmental person but once I thought about it I realised actually I was and didn’t realise it. I think that must be worse not knowing you are. 

For years I have passed blame onto other people as to why I am overweight. I have blamed all sorts of people and given many different reasons why I had got so big. I would say to myself I needed food to cheer me up, or I am overweight for medical reasons. I even said to myself that I didn’t eat much. They were all excuses that helped me cope and I believed them too!

Then I found that I used that excuse for why I should eat more. Every time I got upset I would eat for comfort – it was usually because I wasn’t in control of my emotions. I would then get upset that I had eaten it and need to eat again to cheer me up. It was a vicious circle. 

After I had done all that I would secretly blame someone for making me do it in the first place and causing me to comfort eat. If I think about it now though no one actually sat there and force fed me.  Nobody made me do it – it was all me. 

When you point a finger at someone there is actually 3 fingers pointing back at yourself. I think the reason I passed the blame was probably because I didn’t want to admit that it was my fault all along. 

Coming to this realisation has actually been quite enlightening for me – it has certainly made me think. I am definitely going to think more before I start passing the blame and pointing the finger at others and start looking at myself first. 

Start weight 21st 5lbs

15st 13.8lbs. ⬅️➡️. 75.2lbs⬇️total

Start weight 136.5kg

101.6kg. ⬅️➡️. 34.9kg⬇️total

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